the scary side of motherhood

There's a moment you experince after becoming a parent, it comes after the labor pains, and joys of meeting your newborn.

The moment when you realize you care about someone more than yourself, that you love someone more than you thought humanly possible, you love this little person, that you made, so much it actually hurts..

There is a real pain,  and a real fear too, a real fear, that something could happen, and all your happiness could be a memory.

As I became a mother, to a little boy, and watched him grow, and bump his head, and get numerous booboos, I realized that fear is going to be a constant part of my life. For the next 20 years, or rather his entire life, I will worry about him, I will fear the things I cannot control..

But fearing things I have no control over is not anyway to live our lives, and defintly not the type of childhood I want for him. So, on most days its just white noise. We live, we laugh and make memories...

But there are days when I am reminded that at any moment something could send us of our " happy rails " we so happily chug on day-to-day..

I try not to get negtive, but there has been this looming black cloud hanging over my head ever since May 10th, when my daughter had to be sent to the NICU. Somthing sent me into this paranoid mother state, where I thought the worst, and after the meds wore off and I met her, and held her, and nursed her from my own body, all those fears became lost. And I was so happy she was okay..

And I am sure she still is, her bilirubin is down, and they are happy about that. But her liver enzymes are a " tad elevated" those are the doctors words, and it's something that she is curious about, so she called the specialist jsut to be certain.. Turns out he  wants an ultrasound and more lab work..

She is convinced that it is nothing major, and just wants to rule out some possible things..

Which is good, but today is most certainly a day that my nerves are on edge, and my  mind will not allow worry to escape it.

She is beautiful, and eats great, sleeps through the night, pees and poops, she is over 12 pounds, but jeez how I hate having to wait to find out what is going on in her little body that her mommy cannot control..

So until tomorrow morning, I will cradle my daughter, and play with my son. Because that is something I can control, and we will have a good day.