Wednesday, June 27, 2012

the scary side of motherhood

There's a moment you experince after becoming a parent, it comes after the labor pains, and joys of meeting your newborn.

The moment when you realize you care about someone more than yourself, that you love someone more than you thought humanly possible, you love this little person, that you made, so much it actually hurts..

There is a real pain,  and a real fear too, a real fear, that something could happen, and all your happiness could be a memory.

As I became a mother, to a little boy, and watched him grow, and bump his head, and get numerous booboos, I realized that fear is going to be a constant part of my life. For the next 20 years, or rather his entire life, I will worry about him, I will fear the things I cannot control..

But fearing things I have no control over is not anyway to live our lives, and defintly not the type of childhood I want for him. So, on most days its just white noise. We live, we laugh and make memories...

But there are days when I am reminded that at any moment something could send us of our " happy rails " we so happily chug on day-to-day..

I try not to get negtive, but there has been this looming black cloud hanging over my head ever since May 10th, when my daughter had to be sent to the NICU. Somthing sent me into this paranoid mother state, where I thought the worst, and after the meds wore off and I met her, and held her, and nursed her from my own body, all those fears became lost. And I was so happy she was okay..

And I am sure she still is, her bilirubin is down, and they are happy about that. But her liver enzymes are a " tad elevated" those are the doctors words, and it's something that she is curious about, so she called the specialist jsut to be certain.. Turns out he  wants an ultrasound and more lab work..

She is convinced that it is nothing major, and just wants to rule out some possible things..

Which is good, but today is most certainly a day that my nerves are on edge, and my  mind will not allow worry to escape it.

She is beautiful, and eats great, sleeps through the night, pees and poops, she is over 12 pounds, but jeez how I hate having to wait to find out what is going on in her little body that her mommy cannot control..

So until tomorrow morning, I will cradle my daughter, and play with my son. Because that is something I can control, and we will have a good day.

Sunday, June 17, 2012


These past few weeks have been soo busy, and hectic and so worth all of the late nights I stayed up making beds, and folding laundry, in preparations of visiting family. Then staying up late catching up for the few short nights they were here. Austin and I were both so tired come Monday we sept until 10, but it was worth seeing my son see his family. He had such a great weekend

I've been thinking a lot lately about inspirtation, and how things like a beautiful ocean veiw, or hearing a man read vows to the women he is marrying, can stir something inside of us - to make us grow, or learn something or forgive, or love deeper.

My inspiration comes in the form of two beating hearts

four deep, soulful eyes

Defining moments in my life often have revolved around my being a mother. Becoming a mother stirred something inside me, which in turn made me, in time, a better wife, friend and family member. It has taught me so much.

Taught me to let the past go, and to not dwell in it
to forgive.. to listen..

Addison sophia one month

Taught me to enjoy even the small things, like dressing up like an elephant for no reason, on a random Friday afternoon, just because we can.

My family means the absolute most to me, I credit everything good in my life to them. For it is my children that make my heart beat, and my husband who takes such good care of us, and loves us so strongly.

Every family member in my life, whom I love and cherish mean something specail to me.
Whether they had a part of raising me, and who I became, or who came later and have a special part of my children's lives. And give them love and affection.

Another thing I have learned - you can never say " I love you" enough, and we dont.

We say it at least 100 times a day. Well, I do. Call it sappy, but I love them so much, it jsut pours out.

The Moshers - four generations
I dont want to have lived my life and ever question if those I loved knew how I felt. Knew that I aprreciated what they gave to me, or taught me.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Be happy - it's a choice

Sunday will mark one month since the birth of our daughter, and it's truley amazing how much can happen in one small month.

When I was pregnant I couldn't make time move fast enough, I was so thrilled and excited to meet my daughter, and have us all together.. FINALLY.. But now.. now, time is moving so fast, in four short weeks Addison has already grown so much, she is bigger and stronger and Austin is too. He is such a good brother, and has ajusted wonderfully with giving up being an only child, and doesn't seem to mind having to share his mommy with his "princess" as he calls her.

austin and addy
Being home with both of my children has really been a dream, and for some reason I cannot find one thing to complain about, not lack of sleep, not Austin's accidents, not anything.. It's all so easy.. and by easy I really mean that it's meant for me. It's been low key and remotly stress free. As stress free as life with a vivacious and loud preschooler can be ;)

this was the day we came home, Addy was still a little yellow :)

I feel like a pro, like I was destined to be a mommy to these two wonderful creatures, and it's all so beautfiul. Some people are artists, and doctors, and lawyers, I thrive in this role. And I feel so lucky to get to do it. To be a mom - a matriarch of my family, to mold their minds and nurture their growth to their full potential. To support them and their choices and personalities, to accept them for who they are, and mostly just show them love. They may never know how much and how deeply I love them, for it grows each day, but they will most certainly know that they are loved, and that I loved being their mommy first.

I never knew my heart was capable of feeling so much love. But it's endless, and unrelenting, and all consuming.. a mothers love. Its so beautiful..
my handsome hubby and our first born <3

Basically Im just a woman, who grew up to find she was so happy and had such a great life, everything she wanted. two children, and one wonderful husband! And I mean we're still young, what does our future hold?? Im excited to find out!

Cole, Austin and Joaquin
Life is good.
Be happy - it's a choice