Tuesday, April 26, 2011

that kind of day...

Today was one of those, men would think I was pmsing, just an emotional roller coaster days.

I spent most of the day at margarets house, which was fun.
However, once I got home, I felt this instant wash of emotion. Where I just let myself get so overwhelmed about work, and money, and family. and just everything.

And once I start, I get myself so worked up, I just need to be alone. no noise. Just me. and darkness.

So thats what I did, and luckily I have a wonderful husband, who just let me lay in my bed at 4 oclock in the afternoon, just laying there.

The truth is, today was just one of those days..

I was just laying around, and in came Austin and Keith.

Austin looked confused at me: mommy crying??

No, honey. Then he came up to me, and hugged me.

I am so blessed. with a healthy son, and loving husband.

We all have those days when we feel defeated, and we feel hopeless, and helpless.

After that, everything was fine. I started my second degree today. And got all my days homework in.
I got my son in bed at a decent hour, and spent some quality time with my hubb.

After we went to bed, as we were laying there looking at one another, where each night we talk for a while before dozing off to sleep.
I apologized for being emotional, but.. Couldnt get the words out.

I kept thinking about my aunt. She is such a wonderful women, and seeing her hurt makes me hurt. Seeing the love in her eyes for her daughter, who meant so much to so many people. When she talks about her - she is happy, yet sad too.

And maybe it was the emotions of the day rearing again, or maybe it was just the greiving process for my beloved cousin Loreda. Whom I miss some days more than others.

But today was just one of those days where you feel the wash of emotions- after you lose someone, its raw and real. And hard, and harsh. However, over time the pain is more bearable, and our faith tells us that she is in heaven celebrating for eternity with no pain and with legs! However in this world, the pain is unbearble, and not easy to swallow. Again, over time it gets easier to sleep, and eat, and eventually when you think about the person, you smile.

It wasnt even a year ago that Loreda passed away, and when I let the pain in, it is still as real as that day in July when I found out. baffled and unbeleiving.
I cannot find the words that describe the kind of helpless pain, that we are left with in the absence of family.

And yet somewhere in it, there is hope.

I really miss Loreda, every day I do, I dont cry everyday for the pain, but sometimes I do, and thats okay.

But I know that she is happy, and she is where we all are going. And again one day we will see her again.

But for now. I am just having that kind of day.

You were such a good person. And I dont miss you any less with each passing day!

Oh man, I miss you!

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