Tuesday, August 24, 2010

and here's why

Yes, this is a family blog, 
yes, I understand that I am being printed by people, and 
yes, I am being watched like a hawk..

I really don't care what people do, or say.
If you didn't already notice ( all the unfortunate people who happened to have done me wrong)
That when I get mad, I 
1) get reallllly mad
2) I get even
I also find it hard to 'get over' and 'forgive'

this is an obvious character flaw, I know, I know..
Something that only I can work on, and I am working on it.

But sometimes people don't deserve to be forgiven, sometimes it would be better to go back in time and have never met them.

That is how I was feeling today. 
I wish I could go back to the day my parents decided to tell me that my father was not my REAL father, and that my REAL father gave me up when I was a baby toddler, for another, prettier, nicer family..

I wish that day would have never happened. Not because it made me love my father anyless, because that's not the reason.
I just wish I would have never known. Then I Would have never been curious about meeting my father, my half sister, and my half brother ( did I mention I ALWAYS wanted a brother??)

Because then, on my wedding day when I received a card from him, I wouldn't have held onto in in my night stand drawer for another year and a half, before actually meeting him.

I wouldn't have called him and hung up, just so I could hear his voice. 

I wouldn't have borrowed friends yearbooks just to see if my siblings were in them..

I wouldn't have accepted the friend requests on facebook, almost a year ago,
then going and meeting my sister, my father, my brother, and their mother.

I did do all this.

I forgave them, fell in love with them. 
I looked at them, and wondered what was so much better about them then MY real sister and I.
What did they offer that we couldn't?
Did you ever think about me?

I wish I never met my real father, I wish I never met my real sister. or their mother.

I feel this connection with my real brother, and  I think that it will never work out for us to be close. Too much has happened with MY life, to interfere with the ability to forgive them.

I don't doubt that someday, I would be able to forgive my father, maybe it would happen. Maybe it will.
But I do not see it happening. Not when what happened, happened.

you follow??

My sister, my real fathers daughter. She is not my sister, she will never be welcome on my property, in my house, in my husband, near my child, not ever AGAIN!

and I think that , is the reason why I can never be friends with my brother again.
It is sad to me, because I really, really liked him.
But I cannot go back in time to when I was 12.
or the day  I got married, and undo meeting my uncle.
or the day I met my father
or the day I met my sister
or the day my sister invited herself into my marriage.
I can't, if I could I would never ever, meet any, single one of them.
so yes, I have issues, yes, I am scarred and you say I need help, and I am sure you are right.
and here's why!

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