Friday, February 4, 2011


side comment: This is post # 90...
( and also I think it will be a get-it-off-my-chest-post!!!)

For those of you who know me, and those of you who know me AND love me ( yes they are two different things, because lots of people know me, but fewer love me too)

You know, no matter which catagory you fall in, on a basic level, what type of person I am.
And if you still read this blog, after 90 posts, then you must know me, and want to know me, because you keep reading..


I am your basically average gal! I like shopping, I like realitiy television, I like cuddling, I like scary movies, I like gossip.. You know, the basics to being a girl.
I do these things, but on deeper levels, you may not know who I actually am. And sometimes I dont know compelety either.. In fact I would go so far to say I that I do not, I discover things about myself all the time.

And for sake of not bringing up the past, I would like to think that I have grown up a lot, and really truly learned a lot in the past couple years, more specifically, last year.

I learned ALOT of lessons, thus far.

Do I have any regrets?

yes.. and no.

yes, because I have hurt people along the way, and some of those people really mean/meant a lot to me, this I would change if I coud.. Yes, because I have lost people I love, and wish  I could have one more minute with them, I regret not spending more time with my Aunt..

No, because I am who I am BECAUSE of those things. And perhaps if they didnt happen, then I would not be me.

It's something I contatly battle with.

Or even more than that, trust.
But further, I would define my "flaw" as vengence..

Because Yes, I have hurt people, and the times when I was TRULY sorry, I meant it, and tried to make it up to the person.. Whether they forgave or beleive me, was their deal. I didnt EXPECT forgivness, but I did want them to know, that I know how I hurt them, and was deeply sorry! ( this is a generic statement, not always true)
So, when someone comes to me, and says they are sorry, it may be somewhat of a double standard, but I feel like I deserve some deep apology, because you have hurt me, furthermore, I find it hard to forgive people.
However, that is the thing I have learned. BECAUSE there is such a thing as change, and second chances..

The trusting is also hard for me, because once the seed of doubt is planted, its hard to get rid of it. It's not some dandelion weed planted in the grass that you can just pluck out.. Its the weed planted in cement, that once it settles.. ITS IN THERE.. FOR GOOD!!

I, however, have worked with this too.
I tell myself, that they can be trusted, but more than that, I just pretend I can, then I do..

However, and this is not a shocker for those who know me...

Letting it go! getting it our of my memory!!!! I just cant do it! Its so hard for me! I can forgive, I can 'trust' again, but I always look at you, and see what you did, I am not mad, I just cant get the memory out my head..

I cant change it either.. Its something that I have, because of the weird and bizzaro things I saw and 'went through' ( I know everyone says this, but EVERYONE goes through things) I find myself...

But.. I have so much love in my life!!!




So, we take our flaws, and learn from them, mix them up with out strong points, and live our life HAPPY!
and that my friends, I really am.. Happy.  and thats all that matters in the end!

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